Hey Chat,
Feeling cooked asf and literally like I can't do anything in school like why am I stupid.
So did get all E’s on the progress report not even making this shit up like I’m so serious. Me when I didn’t even realize this could happen am stupid. Operation don't fail. You know what thought just crossed my mind? For the longest time I just used to use starving myself as the excuse. Like ok purr the brain just gave no nutrients so I was stupid but now I cant even use that anymore bc she i'm literally bigger so what now. Like for mia the brain is still getting nutrients they are just being gotten rid of through but the brain still gets them so like then what. Was I just stupid? Tired? Depressed? Going through a lot? Or do i really just not give a single fuck. Also I had my weekly college meeting with my guidance counselor and let me tell you is the blind leading the blind. Now i say this metaphorically and the context in which I’m using this metaphor is definitely incorrect but I digress. We finished the lore deepdive papers and now he knows too much. Once Again another person at school knowing way too much about me. Like girl chill. Him saying he noticed I had an eating disorder last year bc I’d just have coffee all day, girl chill on me don't be #weird this is lame. Sorry I didn't want yr chips at 8am. Also like I just hate letting people know bc they dont need to know fr its giving on a need to know basis so why are you in my business? Idk weird asf.
Also convinced me not going to ballet school was self sabotage like I had everything I’ve ever wanted and I chose not to go. I chose not to. I Chose. I. Like why would I do that. Like genuinely needed to stop listening to other people. Like pls. I also genuinely hate this school so much. The teachers here actually suck. This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. Why would I stay. I was a star not to go all Sofia Coppola movie archive but fr. I had teachers and Dance teachers who were invested into me and ready to pour into me. I was a star in ballet class and everyone could see that I was good and had potential. I was paving the way for me to have a career actually. I was primed to be at a conservatory in 2 years and I threw that away for what? For life at my highschool? Thats so embarrasing and lame. The amount of self control I have for not begging the Chair of the dance department to beg for a spot back is insane. I really want to go back. It's kind of a double edged sword because I met one of the best friend's I know this year and she's literally my match like I've never had something so much in common with someone. Anyways back to the Ballet school lore. While I was quiet and new, I spent some of the happiest times there. I don’t remember a time where I was in ballet class before then where I was truly not stressed and not focused on my body 24/7. It also helped that the other girls didn’t seem to care about their’s. They owned it and that was okay with them or at least seemed to not care. Bloated? Ok they didn’t care, they had to be in a leotard after lunch? Okay and that wouldn’t change the way they ate or interacted with the world, food, or their bodies. Teachers didn’t make comments about body and dance there finally felt good. Yes I was stressed but only of my perception of the program. I was worried about being graded on the way my body looked in relation to my peers especially at a dance school but oh I miss it. I miss the atmosphere. The chair of dance? Believed in me, the teachers believed in me, and they bred great dancers. Not just good ones, great ones. And I got to take courses like dance history, and they had on sight pt and fellows from the local hospital come, they were constantly taking care of their athletes. They wanted exposure for us and wanted us to improve. I would get credit on a class where all I had to do was watch ballet’s and reflect on them. They would take us on field trips to ballets and i’d get school credit and I left that for what, this? Awful.
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