Hi Lovelies! Sorry I haven't been active,  junior year wrapping up is so hectic but will be back with more cute fun posts for you all very soon! I hope y'all are doing well & being kind to yourselves 😙

XOXO

cold brew luvr

Lore Deepdive: What does the future hold? Is Professional Ballet realistic or a dream deffered?

 What do you want to do with your life? Oh, I'm going to be a ballet dancer? Or maybe a track runner? Ooh or a cardiac surgeon? Or maybe an adolescent psychiatrist? What happens to a dream deferred? What happens when that dream is maybe not your dream anymore? Ballet has always been that dream. That push and pull, the delicate balance of tranquility and strength, control and freedom, perfection and beauty. I’ve probably watched every ballet movie ever and have idolized the lives of ballet dancers for years so when i now have the opportunity to go after that dream what now is holding me back? Is it just the uncertainty of it all or is that a cop out? Realistically life is uncertain so why does the uncertainty of a ballet career scare me? It’s scary because of ballet’s delicate balance. It is hard to love an artform that doesn't love you back. Some days all i want to do is be in the studio, other days the thought of doing ballet makes me unhappy. If I really want a ballet career I know things will have to change and change fast, I’ll need to have better arches, technique, be skinnier, have better turnout, extensions, and mental toughness for long studio days and criticism from ballet masters. For so long I couldn’t even tell you my favorite color because of how much I loved ballet, i would just answer the question with “ballet pink” because I didn’t know who I was without ballet. At one point I even told my mom I'd rather die than not be able to dance because I had to miss one ballet class. When ballet’s in the picture nothing mattered because it’s ballet it’s perfect right? But after taking a year off unwillingly it forced me to find out who I am outside of ballet. I tried all these random sports in hopes of them providing the same rush ballet did, joined speech and debate amongst other clubs just searching for the high of ballet so why am I not jumping at this opportunity? Well for one I’m a person that hates change and thought of uprooting my whole life in the middle of my junior year of high school terrified me. No friends, new environment, and 5 hours of ballet during school. I didn’t know how to feel. Suddenly it was everything I ever wanted and more but in the back of my head there will always be a what if? And maybe that's in part due to ballet. There's a quote from a ballet documentary  called silver feet that I really resonate with and it reads “you're in class and you have your friends there but it seems strange because they want the same things you do and one day its gonna come down to the matter of whos gonna get them and maybe there's not gonna be enough room for you and it hurts to think abt bc the relationship isn't destroyed but how can you be friends with someone who wants the same thing you do in life” “and maybe there's not enough room for you” That quote struck me. The uncertainty of the ballet world is truly off the charts and it is one of the most competitive industries I know of, if not the most competitive. It is an industry where talent is simply never enough because if you don't “look like a ballet dancer” your chances of becoming successful and being professional in the ballet world are very slim. So maybe it was me knowing or feeling like may be a better word because there is truly no way of knowing what my professional career would hold but it makes you wonder. Don’t worry dolls there are many more fun writes about ballet but needing to lock back into my school work and finish my junior paper. Ily cuties xoxo

The Blind Leading the Blind: Lore Deepdive #1- Missing Ballet School & HS is hard

 Hey Chat, 

Feeling cooked asf and literally like I can't do anything in school like why am I stupid. 

So did get all E’s on the progress report not even making this shit up like I’m so serious. Me when I didn’t even realize this could happen am stupid. Operation don't fail. You know what thought just crossed my mind? For the longest time I just used to use starving myself as the excuse. Like ok purr the brain just gave no nutrients so I was stupid but now I cant even use that anymore bc she i'm literally bigger so what now. Like for mia the brain is still getting nutrients they are just being gotten rid of through but the brain still gets them so like then what. Was I just stupid? Tired? Depressed? Going through a lot? Or do i really just not give a single fuck. Also I had my weekly college meeting with my guidance counselor and let me tell you is the blind leading the blind. Now i say this metaphorically and the context in which I’m using this metaphor is definitely incorrect but I digress. We finished the lore deepdive papers and now he knows too much. Once Again another person at school knowing way too much about me. Like girl chill. Him saying he noticed I had an eating disorder last year bc I’d just have coffee all day, girl chill on me don't be #weird this is lame. Sorry I didn't want yr chips at 8am. Also like I just hate letting people know bc they dont need to know fr its giving on a need to know basis so why are you in my business? Idk weird asf.

Also convinced me not going to ballet school was self sabotage like I had everything I’ve ever wanted and I chose not to go. I chose not to. I Chose. I. Like why would I do that. Like genuinely needed to stop listening to other people. Like pls. I also genuinely hate this school so much. The teachers here actually suck. This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. Why would I stay. I was a star not to go all Sofia Coppola movie archive but fr. I had teachers and Dance teachers who were invested into me and ready to pour into me. I was a star in ballet class and everyone could see that I was good and had potential. I was paving the way for me to have a career actually. I was primed to be at a conservatory in 2 years and I threw that away for what? For life at my highschool? Thats so embarrasing and lame. The amount of self control I have for not begging the Chair of the dance department to beg for a spot back is insane. I really want to go back. It's kind of a double edged sword because I met one of the best friend's I know this year and she's literally my match like I've never had something so much in common with someone. Anyways back to the Ballet school lore. While I was quiet and new, I spent some of the happiest times there. I don’t remember a time where I was in ballet class before then where I was truly not stressed and not focused on my body 24/7. It also helped that the other girls didn’t seem to care about their’s. They owned it and that was okay with them or at least seemed to not care. Bloated? Ok they didn’t care, they had to be in a leotard after lunch? Okay and that wouldn’t change the way they ate or interacted with the world, food, or their bodies. Teachers didn’t make comments about body and dance there finally felt good. Yes I was stressed but only of my perception of the program. I was worried about being graded on the way my body looked in relation to my peers especially at a dance school but oh I miss it. I miss the atmosphere. The chair of dance? Believed in me, the teachers believed in me, and they bred great dancers. Not just good ones, great ones. And I got to take courses like dance history, and they had on sight pt and fellows from the local hospital come, they were constantly taking care of their athletes. They wanted exposure for us and wanted us to improve. I would get credit on a class where all I had to do was watch ballet’s and reflect on them. They would take us on field trips to ballets and i’d get school credit and I left that for what, this? Awful.